It’s been painful to even try to put into words my feelings throughout this week. The VA Tech shootings aren’t exactly news any more; that’s why I waited till now to even blog about it.

When I first heard the news of the shootings, it was like the wall of darkness that I knew was somewhere in the background but never quite visible suddenly closed in around me like a veil of death. It reeked of death too. Somehow, even though I’ve pondered and explored the idea of nonviolence many times, it had never occurred to me just how evil human violence coupled with a weapon made for violent endeavors could be. On that day, humankind was joined by a bond stronger than blood—the bond that Jesus talked about when he said, “You guys can’t judge people unless you’re perfect.” (John 8:7).

The violence in my own heart overflowed with anger towards the violence displayed by the VA Tech shooter, because it recognized the futility and disparity of violence unbridled. Every red-blooded American joined together in protest and shock at the pure evil displayed by Cho Seung-hui. Violence cannot tolerate violence. It’s the paradox of paradoxes, the hypocrisy of the ages. On that day, the world was joined by violence. The violence in our hearts betrayed our actions and feelings.

After all, like Jesus would say, “You all are just a bunch of Cho Seung-hui’s at heart”. And he’d be right.

But the nightmare isn’t over. I anticipate the violence of the Americans to far outweigh the actions of attacker, as usual (9/11, Oklahoma City Bombings, Iraq). To have a mugshot pasted on newspapers, websites, and television that closely resembles me is nothing short of hell. To have Americans draw attention to the resemblance and laugh about it is worse. To hear Americans talk in terms of “if only one of the students had a gun, everything would have been solved” tears me up inside. When will the killing stop? This is war in America.

It’s the pain that makes the good times so good. It’s the hate that makes love worthwhile. I can’t be the only person bleeding from this. After all, my loss was purely superficial in appearance. It’s time to bind up the dirty wounds.